When I was 16 I was becoming depressed so I persuaded my parents to take me to see a psychiatrist.
I did my research about the symptoms I was experiencing and was convinced I had long term, continuous form of depression called dysthymia.
Few months before the onset of my symptoms, I ended up in a hospital because of alcohol intoxication.
Shortly after that, I decided to change high school because I thought a change of the environment would help me.
Little did I know that it was going to be difficult to adapt to my new classmates and teachers.
Because of these new circumstances, I was getting more and more down.
The psychiatrist I was seeing told me it was normal for the adolescent period to feel like I was feeling. Still, I struggled a lot.
I was always telling my parents how low I was feeling: I could not fall asleep at night and I was not able to concentrate on my homework assignments.
While in high school, I was pretending I was fine. I put a fake smile on my face and acted like I was the happiest person in the whole world.
What was really happening is that I was starting to numb out my feelings.
At the same time, I was telling some close friends I couldn’t feel anything, but no one could understand.
I was feeling helpless, misunderstood, and lost.
Everyone around me was telling me constantly that high school years are meant to be the happiest period in someone’s life.
That only perpetuated my sadness, because my feelings were so far from that happiness I thought everyone was experiencing.
I often talked to my school’s principal and she was saying to me that everyone felt like I did, only that I was open about it.
My years after high school were marked with those feelings of no feeling.
I was desperate about it. I thought I suffered from depersonalization and was looking for answers on how to cure it, but was not finding any solutions.
Then I heard about the mirror exercise which I today practice in my coaching business.
At the beginning of every mirror exercise, I encourage my clients to make a choice to feel their feelings.
They simply have to say out of their heart’s space the following sentence: „I choose to feel all my feelings now“.
In doing so, they finally open themselves up to feeling all those deeply buried emotions.
When I heard about the mirror exercise, I learned that numbing out was a choice.
Same as you chose not to feel your feelings when they felt so difficult, you can choose to feel them.
Do you choose to feel your feelings now?